Understanding Covenant in Dating

Jan 18 by Nicole Franklin

Dating Couple Choose Marriage, Yes or No

Knowing How Much to Commit

Over the years as I have helped coach couples who are dating, I have noticed there are three general stages of covenant that people encounter as they move towards marriage. I wrote this blog to give you some guidelines as to how to maneuver through these stages in the most responsible, loving way.

The first stage is the “Get-To-Know-You” stage. This is the lowest level of covenant. People feel vulnerable in this stage of dating because they aren’t sure where the relationship is going long-term. It just takes time to get to know someone. This stage is risky because you know at any point the other person (or you for that matter), could just change your mind and walk away. Because the risk is so high, your level of intimacy should match your level of covenant. You should only go as deep with someone emotionally and physically as your level of covenant will cover. Try not to over-share in this stage. Let the other person learn about who you are, (like what your hopes and dreams for the future are), but don’t share things that are too intimate. A good question to ask yourself in this stage of covenant is: “If we broke up in six months, would I be okay with what I shared with you, what we did together, and with how much of my heart I gave away to you?” For example, I recently had a couple in this first stage of covenant ask me if it was a good idea for them to introduce each other to their parents. So I asked them “the question.” If in six months this relationship were over, would you feel okay with the fact that you brought that person to your parent’s home to get to know your family? That process helped them decide what things they felt comfortable with in this first stage of dating.

The second stage of dating I’ll call the “We’re-Two-Feet-In” stage. This stage feels much more solid than the first. You have both declared your love for each other; you have both decided that you are committed to each other. And most likely, you have decided this relationship is moving towards marriage, unless some unforeseen reason to not marry presents itself. You are definitely exclusive by now, and this is typically the stage of relationship where the man is deciding how and when he will propose. This is a tricky stage, as your head-over-heels in love feeling will cause you to want to go deeper in intimacy than your covenant actually covers. It feels natural and safe to want to go develop more intimacy. You can’t imagine having any regrets and you open your heart fully. But, there is no ring yet. There is still a chance this relationship is not permanent. At this point it doesn’t help much to ask “Would I be okay with what I’ve shared if we broke up in six months?” – because you wouldn’t be. You would probably be devastated. But a good question to ask in this stage is: “What are the things I would only want my spouse to know about me or experience with me?” – (emotionally and physically). Those things would be the things you would refrain from engaging in with your significant other in stage two. Even though you are in love and everything feels great, it’s still not the time to go into those very deep levels of intimacy.

The third stage is the deepest level of covenant. This stage is called “Together-For-Life.” It begins with the engagement process and moves on into marriage and throughout life. During the engagement process you are still reserving things such as sexual intimacy until after marriage. But emotionally you have probably gone as deep as you can outside of living with each other every day. You know everything about your significant other, and they know everything about you. The process of marriage and sexual intimacy and living with each other will in themselves bring about deeper levels of intimacy that were before unattainable. You are both completely invested in the other person. You are exploring the deepest levels of intimacy, and you are not holding back at all anymore. There is no turning back, there is only moving forward. This is the process of two people becoming one flesh. I believe that the process of becoming “one flesh” is not about losing yourself; rather, it’s about fully accepting another into your heart.

I hope these general guidelines and questions will help you as you pursue finding the love of your life!

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Princes Don’t Rescue Dragons

Nov 28 by Nicole Franklin
Princes Don't Rescue Dragons

Illustration By Frits

I was talking to a friend of mine the other day. She is in her twenties, married for a few years now, and has 2 kids under 3. To put things lightly, the stress of their busy life has begun to strain their marriage connection. It took me back to the early days when Jon and I struggled as a couple.

The basic summary was this: Hubby is easy going, laid back, safe, and low key. He’s a good match for wife who is high spirited, a go-getter, strong willed, perfectionist, high energy (and sometimes high maintenance) – hey, what do you expect when you marry a Ferrari? Hubby, under tremendous amounts of stress, began to mentally check out until it was time for bed and time to get his sexual needs met. Wife would feel frustrated, like she had to do everything. It was like having another child to take care of. She wanted to be loved, romanced and supported, but felt like raging, causing him to check out even more.

My friend shared with me that when they are in the midst of the battle, she rages and that makes him pull away, even though what she really wants is for her husband to pull her in closer and take her away from all the madness.

I responded, “but princes don’t rescue dragons.”

I explained to her if she wants to be rescued by her prince, she needs to show him her vulnerability. I remembered a time when I was raging at Jon and he stopped me and said “I don’t respond to threats, but I do respond to needs. What do you need from me?”

That was a turning point for us. When a woman comes to a man with a need, she is far more likely to evoke his instinct to rescue her. When she comes to him with fire breathing rage and anger, chances are she will push him away instead of draw him near.

So how do you keep your princess status? It starts with a choice. When you are feeling rage, you have to train yourself to think about what you really need in that moment. When I first started this process, I would think to myself “I NEED you to stop being a jerk!” Well we all know that is not the right answer, (smile). So I would have to dig deeper. Sometimes it was as simple as “I need a nap.” Sometimes it was, “I need to feel supported. I need you to let me know everything is going to be alright.”

After our conversation, my friend called up hubby and said this:

“I apologize for being a dragon. What I really need from you when things are tough, and I haven’t slept and I’m having trouble controlling my emotions, is for you to look past that. I need to be seen by you, I need to feel connected with you. I even want to be held by you. When I’m in your arms I promise not to burn your head off, and I will do my best to become the vulnerable princess you need me to be.”

Well said!

At the core of a woman, she was made for vulnerability and intimacy. At the core of a man, he was made to cover and protect, and to bring strength to a woman. It seems easier to be the attractive vulnerable princess in the beginning, until we’ve been disappointed a few times. Then the test is “will I continue to choose vulnerability, or will I latch on to the false sense of security of the fire breathing dragon?” The choice is yours and you must know this – if you choose vulnerability, you will attract a prince. If you choose the fire-breathing dragon you will chase your prince away.

Guys – it’s important for you to know that it’s not always easy for us to maintain the delicate princess status. If you see us in that dragon suit you can still rescue us and save the day. Have courage to move towards us because I promise the dragon is just a façade. Every woman is just a princess in need of rescuing. If you have courage to fight the dragon once, you may never need to do it again. Sometimes we just need to know you are strong enough to face the dragon.

For more from Nicole, visit http://nicolesthoughtsandmore.blogspot.com/

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Advice for Her

Jun 10 by Nicholas Sowell

Many women wonder, “Is it okay for the woman to pursue the man?” In my opinion, I believe it is… to an extent. Whether you meet someone through a friend, at a party, your workplace, OR online, it doesn’t hugely change the roles of who is involved when meeting someone new. The reason why is simple, it still requires both parties to participate. Ladies, say you’re at a party with a friend and find an attractive guy you’re into. How would that guy even put you on his radar? Well, it might start with finding a way to introduce yourself, whether it’s “intentional” or “unintentional”. Perhaps you wind up at the hors d’oeuvres table at the same time as he walks over to it, or you rely on a friend to introduce you, or even simply go over and strike up a friendly conversation. We want women to know it is okay to give a guy some non-aggressive indications that you’re interested. This doesn’t mean you are expected to do all the work. I would even go so far as to say I believe most men feel it is their duty to pursue the lady. However, how can he pursue if he doesn’t yet know you exist? It’s not too different online. For him to notice you at OnDaySix all it may take is a wink, or a friendly message saying hello. Once a man knows who you are and that you exist, he can then step up to the plate to pursue or not pursue.

For the man’s role in the pursuit, this especially comes into play after the connection has been made and the real face-to-face dating begins. If it’s a long distance relationship that means it really gets defined the moment he starts calling you. You can make intentions known and reach out, but he has to show you that he’s interested and is moving towards you. The biggest mistake I see women make is not letting the guy do the work. This is a huge tell-tale sign of whether or not the guy is into you. This “decoder of men” is often left at the wayside but can be really helpful for the ladies to recognize his interest level. Because the bottom line is, if he really likes you, you’ll see the effort and attempts to get to know you better and to see you. If he doesn’t call and if he doesn’t ask you out for more dates, then most likely, “He’s just not that into you”.

I know women have a hard time with being patient and constantly wondering if he’s interested, why he hasn’t called yet, or over-analyzing what he’s up to. These are all common worries a woman faces when dating someone. However, try your best to lay back and rest easy ladies, if the man steps up you’ll have a good sign that he’s motivated to move closer to you. Being patient in dating is often difficult for women for several reasons. The main reason is that women let their walls down easily, asking themselves after the first date if he might be the one. You can judge your attraction to him and the level of comfort in conversation after the first date, but there’s no way in the world you know his heart or character well enough to make such an observation. Lastly, it generally takes longer for a man to trust. So while you may be ready to trust, he may just be starting to put his foot into the relationship’s water. So for ladies, the advice is this: take time to get to know him while keeping your heart guarded in measure. Do not let that guard down until he shows you who he is, his intentions with you and his feelings for you. It will always pay off for you in the end.

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Your Browser or Mine? Dating Advice

May 24 by Nicholas Sowell

photo courtesy of Salvatore Vuono

So what does online dating mean for the Christian’s traditional question of whether it’s okay for a woman to pursue a man in the 21st century? Let’s start here as we begin lending a voice to help navigate through today’s Christian dating culture. Whether online or offline, there are some things that remain the same. I’m referring to that of masculine initiative. Moving the first conversation online certainly doesn’t change everything. We still hear from the female race all the time, “Why hasn’t he asked me out?” “Is it okay if I’m the one pursuing?” “Where does masculine initiative start and female pursuit begin or end?”.

Here is the straightforward, unadulterated truth for men: you were created to be initiators, protectors, leaders, and to be bold and courageous. A woman may not be something to be conquered, but she is certainly someone to be pursued by none other than you. The craziest part of this whole mars-venus game is that she wants YOU to pursue her! So many women in this world have tried to play the waiting game for years until finally taking the gloves off to start going after relationship. I believe we have more women today then ever before who feel the need to be the pursuer even though they’d much rather be sought after. The strongest argument I hear from men is that girls don’t know what they want or the men are too fearful to be rejected. Guess what guys? That’s part of it, no successful cowboy ever got bucked off and walked away to become a western success.

If you want the girl of your dreams, you will never get her by hiding behind the cooler on the sidelines, it’s because you put yourself into the game knowing full well you might be knocked down or pushed around, so what!? Isn’t that girl of your dreams worth being bold for and putting yourself out there even if it means being rejected by the ones that didn’t see the greatness in you? You don’t master anything overnight, but you get better through experience. So if you never pursue, how can you expect yourself to be good at it? Practice makes perfect.

In the next blog post we’ll be addressing the ladies and where your roll in pursuit should be, which commonly is the most confusing part in the dating game for women altogether. You do have a part women! However, it just may not be to the extent or length you think it should. The ladies are up next!

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Where we’re going

May 16 by April LaFrance

OnDaySix.com is off the ground and is gaining momentum! Thanks to all who came out on April 23rd to celebrate our launch! The venue was packed, the bands (Hunter Thompson and Stephanie Foos) were incredible, and comedienne Anjelah Johnson had the room busting out in laughter. A great night was had by all!

SO what’s next? Our crowd of members is literally growing every single day as the word about OnDaySix gets out. We now have the beginnings of the most phenomenal community of single Christians on the planet!
Part of seeing our vision of educating and connecting a generation of healthy couples requires gathering a whole bunch of great single people. So our team is now aimed at OnDaySix.com becoming known to people and churches around the world. At the same time, the truth is that it could take just one person meeting one other person to build a powerful relationship that will impact nations through their love and become the greatest friendship known on earth (marriage!).

Thanks again for joining us!!
April

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The Journey Begins…

Apr 22 by April LaFrance

The staff & contributors at OnDaySix.com are honored to have you here as we begin this journey to promote healthy dating, to empower Christians to choose one another with wisdom, and to teach them how to love well.

Why Blog About Dating?
Two of the most popular Google searches that include the word “Christian” are “Christian Dating” and “Christian Single”. There’s a huge hunger for wisdom, community and direction for Christian singles and there’s not been a ton of culturally relevant good counsel out there.

So here we are. We are bringing our voice to answer the questions, explore the topics you face and inspire you to build an incredible relationship.

We’d love you to join in on the conversation. Click our “ask a question” button to submit a question you’d love our staff to address in an upcoming blog.

Blessings,
The OnDaySix Team

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